My complaining journal top hits part 2
2025-01-03
Another batch of unorganized thoughts.
On studying
I find it dangerous the phenomenon of assuming someone that engages in a piece of reading as being subscribed to the contents' ideas to an extent. At least from what I observe through leftist circles, it’s a byproduct of the obsession of moral righteousness over actual substance- the idea that one cannot “betray” their ideology and only engage in studies not out of genuine pursuit of knowledge but to have already decided on what the takeaways is before turning a single page and to feel superiority of being "educated". To clarify, say reading a diary of Hitler does not correlate the reader is a fan of Hitler. However the far more common situation I refer to is subtle, and if one finds themselves acting defensive when a mutual takes a jab at listening to a podcast about alpha males for example, I see it as projection of themselves that curate whatever consume only to fit their personality or enclosed circle of thought, never having the courage to break out of their comfort zones or biases every once in a while. Opposing world views are only filtered through their safe spaces via secondary sources where they only learn about anything opposing ideas as a very distant, tabboo region of knowledge. In fact isn’t it sensible to be encouraged to engage in readings that doesn’t fit your understanding of the world because it means you are trying to recognize what kind of ideas you disagree with?
On gacha games
If there’s one thing in common about the games that I think are masterpieces are that they are not driven with extrinsic rewards but instead intrinsic ones. To me extrinsic rewards are practical things or a means to an end, say a stronger sword that makes defeating am enemy easier. A masterpiece has confidence in pushing its progression through intrinsic rewards- the value is in the experience ITSELF, not an external motivator. Modern game design is losing much faith in users being attentive without tactile dopamine feedback loops of convoluted upgrades, crafting, levelling, or items and to me, games that omit all of that into a minimalist experience like Shadow of Colossus is what makes it timeless. To clarify, SOTC omitted adding any "content" between the Colossi, or even any traditional levelling system via new weapons or stat bonuses (lizards are a thing but it's not significant nor necessary). The act of defeating these colossi are motivated not through an extrinsic reward (I can get a better weapon) but an intrinsic one (I can experience fighting another colossi). The benefit are two; it allows the world to breathe through long moments of quiet desolation and to have the player be motivated not through the gluttony of collecting items but be properly connected with the protagonist's motive of saving the princess. Gacha to me is the next step into the emphasis of extrinsically motivated game design of commodifying character story into unlockable tier-based items extended through real currency. This dopamine rush is repackaged further into a slot machine of giving players the CHANCE of seeing what they want to see which players are thrown into the grind culture of experiencing the game not out of genuine fun but a facade of well placed feedback loops of making the deliberate tedious gameplay loop more bearable (with the help of Crit chance +1.5% with medium rarity gems). FGO, Uma-musume, and the mobile gacha market has dominated the Japanese game industry for quite some time before Id argue Genshin Impact brought it to mainstream Western audiences, but it will slowly become industry standard enough that “FOMO gacha” becomes less a genre but rather game design praxis. Personally I cannot wrap my head around the idea that an audience can have authentic empathy with characters that are labelled blatantly as loot which they are, again, extrinsically valued objects that can be owned or unlocked. Characters are not breathing living people, they are idols or products which people develop possessive attachment towards. It was a matter of time before the game industry realized the untapped market of internet addicted idol fans; stan, oshi, bias, the hyper obsessed consumer-ized audience that gravitate towards live service games which they can only engage in art like a chore. So long as the game industry borrows the language of the gambling industry/idol culture and preys on users' immediate needs, it will never be able to recreate masterpieces of the past.
Asian people
I feel asian people who are overly proud of their ancestry tend to be hella whitewashed with an identity crisis.
Obsession over weeds
I've grown to be more and more overly sentimental over weeds growing on the side of the road. I could just stare at them in pure awe no matter how unwanted they are. They shine and flicker like the way people describe the beauty of jewelry and they grow so fast as if earth's default state of being really is just lush with green. It's odd that flowers barely scratch that feeling because they are too artificial, nurtured with human appreciation in mind. And not out of being contrairan for the sake of being contrairan, like a hipster not appreciating flowers like a normal human being, but the chaos of weeds, how they represent the diligence of nature gives me great hope.
On Rainy Season
I’ve never done a retrospective on Rainy Season since it lives in a weird part of my brain as something that felt like a great success yet something so forgettable. For context, this game was made in a strict 1 year deadline during my time in art school, and as I was getting offers from publishers (which I was never interested in) and the studio that I work at right now which proposed the idea of building a team from scratch (which I was interested in), the question still remained: am I capable of doing gamedev as a fulltime career? In hindsight it was bizarre that gamedev was never a serious career option in my head at the time, and I treated it purely as time-kiler with no job prospects in mind. It was something of a distant dream, a goal that might or might not arrive at a later point in a career. So knowing the difference between an occasional hobby and a fulltime job, Rainy Season acted as a pseudo-pilot episode of my bigger projects. Overall it did quite well. My tastes have drastically changed over the years between its release and now, dare I say the game feels too twee for my tastes nowadays but it had novel ideas that I would probably not commit to. Thematically it was tight in execution, it asks the question: what defines valuable time? As I was burnt out from art and partially it was an escape to a better past, but it was also contemplation of the limited time that I had to enjoy things outside of work and school, which I sometimes felt a paradox of thinking such things and allowing the project to further fill up my already dreadful schedule. Financially it was great with the Humble exclusive and Epic Grants + revenue, enough that in total it could pay off my full tuition, not too shabby for a 1 year hobby project. As a gamedev things could have gone better in terms of communication. As someone that likes very small circles of friends, having to message 10+ industry people and having to check e-mails felt like a stronger drain on energy than the production itself. It landed on a cultural spot that was pretty much ideal, an obscure “hidden gem” that occasionally gets mentions from my favorite youtubers and maybe gets a sentence or two of praise. I don’t have to upkeep a community or have to respond to the kind feedback. Otherwise it set out to do what it needed to do, a good portfolio piece as a stepping stone into the professional field, some closure on the burnout of school, and a nice snapshot of what kind of person I was at the time.